Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind of Nicholas Miller
by ImJudyGarland
Summary: "Dear Mr Schmidt, Nicholas Miller has had Jessica Day erased from his memory. Please never mention their relationship to him again. Thank you. Lacuna Inc." A little romantic sci-fi, based on the movie. Nick can't seem to find his way out of the pain of losing the love of his life, Jessica Day. Lacuna has the solution. Or do they?
1. Chapter 1

_Dear Mr Schmidt,_

 _Nicholas Miller has had Jessica Day erased from his memory. Please never mention their relationship to him again._

 _Thank you._

 _Lacuna Inc._

 _210 East Grant Street_

 _Los Angeles California._

Schmidt squinted his eyes harder, re-reading the thick, black type on the recycled paper postcard for the third time. _What the hell?_

He turned to postcard over, but there was nothing but an image of a tree stripped bare in the winter, and a quote by Alexander Pope:

 _How happy is the blameless vestal's lot, the world forgetting by the world forgot._

 _Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resigned._

"Nicholas!" Schmidt clutched the card in his hand and took off for Nick's room. The door was open, but the room was empty. His eyes darted back to the kitchen and then down the hall toward the bathroom where he saw Nick emerging with a large white towel wrapped around his lower body. "Hey, Schmidt. What's up?"

"What's up? WHAT'S UP? That's all you have to say to me after I get this ridiculous excuse for a joke in the mail? Really, Nick, I know your sense of humor has always been on the lunatic fringe, but this goes way way beyond the edge, man. Care to explain yourself?"

Nick's looked at him blankly. "Schmidt, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh no? Well explain this!" He shoved the card into Nick's hand, snorting as he breathed heavily, waiting for the sick punchline.

Nick's brow furrowed deep as he read the short sentences on the card. He looked back at Schmidt, his genuine confusion now evident. "I don't get it, Schmidty. What does this mean? And who is," he brought the card back up close to his face before reading from it, "Jessica Day?"

Schmidt's jaw dropped open, and for once he was speechless. He knew from Nick's expression that this was most definitely not a joke. And no telltale back sweating. He was serious, he didn't know Jess.

"Nick, look, why don't you go and rest in your room for a while, and I'll make you one of my grillled chicken avocado sandwiches, okay man?" Schmidt's voice was high and tinney.

Nick laughed, "You okay, Schmidty? You seem a little tense. A sandwich sounds great, but maybe it's you who needs a rest, huh?" He turned around, whistling, and closed himself behind his bedroom door.

Schmidt stood dumbfounded for a moment before exploding, "Whistling? You, Nick Miller, are whistling right now? Really?!" He tore down the hall to Winston's room, and slammed the door behing him. "Winnie, this is serious business here. It's about Nick, and it's a matter of critical and dire importance!"

Winston sat on his bed holding Ferguson in his lap, his face buried in the fur next to his ear, "You wanna split some pasta with me? Yes you do, yes you do..."

"Winston!"

"What, man! Damn, don't you knock? We could've been doing anything in here."

Schmidt shuttered, not even attempting to let his mind wander to what that could possibly mean. "I'm serious, Winston. Nick is in trouble. And I need your help."


	2. Chapter 2

Nick sat nervously in a dark wood chair in the cramped office/exam room of Dr Howard Mierzwiak, rubbing his sweaty palms up and down his dark pant legs. Now that he was here, he was starting to have second thoughts. Everything he had been told about this place came from only one source, at it was hardly what you'd call reliable. He tried to push aside his doubts, at least until he found out more about the procedure.

The Lacuna offices were very non-descript. If he hadn't been walking from a nearby parking garage, he would have driven right past it. A plain black door on the side of an old brick building, _Lacuna Inc_ in simple lettering along a small strip over the entrance.

It was a month ago that he had first heard about Lacuna. At the bar, and from crazy Syd of all people. Syd would usually be about five beers in when he'd start rambling about a myriad of things, most of which Nick usually ignored as utter nonsense. But one night after he had been mechanically assembling drinks for seven hours straight, he let himself sit down next to Syd and treat himself to a whiskey.

It was late on a weeknight and the place had essentially emptied out. Syd starting talking about a woman he once knew, a woman he loved he said, still to this very day. But there was just one problem: she didn't know who he was anymore. Now Nick didn't consider himself that deep of a guy, but he knew he was about to get the long-lost love story he really didn't want to hear right now.

It had been three months since Jess had ended things between them. Two months since she had moved out of the loft and into CeCe's downtown apartment. He didn't want to hear another man's sob story about how he had lost the love of his life and now he was just somebody that she used to know. That he was the broken shell of a man he once was. Because that's how Nick felt. Empty. Hollow. Spent. Done.

Jessica Day was the color in his life. Before that there were only muted earth tones and grays. And now that she was gone, the scenery was starkly monochromatic. The fog surrounding him was suffocating, the pain of losing Jess consuming every second of every day since she left. He would spend his nights working long hours at the bar, numbly going through his familiar routine. During they days, he slept. He slept from the time he got home until his alarm buzzed and spurred him to get up for another shift. And the cycle went on and on, sapping his strength.

Schmidt and Winston watched him carefully, legitimately worried about his mental health. They brought him food and kept bottled water next to his bed, most of which remain untouched. They knew this was not a run of the mill Nick Miller break up scenario, this was way further down into dangerous waters than he had ever been with Caroline or any other woman.

One night Schmidt had given him the card of his shrink in West Hollywood, even offered to make him an appointment and drive him there. Nick had groaned beneath his covers and said nothing. What was some fancyman in a sweater vest with a note pad going to do? He didn't want to talk to anyone about Jess, it wouldn't change a thing.

But on that night at the bar, as the alcohol began it's familiar task of the dulling of his senses, he found himself listening absently to Syd's slurred discourse. "Yeahhh, she doesn't know me now. Forgot me completely. Every second we had together was, poof! GONE! Like it had never even happened. So what do you think I did? I went down to that office to get answers. And you know what they gave me instead? An opportunity, they said, to do the same thing. Forget her. Erase every memory of her, good and bad, from my brain. And I almost did it, man. I almost did it. The pain was too much, it was just too much. So there I was, with a garbage bag full of memories, ready to toss em out like yesterday's stale beer, and it was then I realized..."

Nick looked over at him when he turned silent, "Realized what Syd?"

"I just...I couldn't do it. I already lost her, I couldn't lose her all over again. Not that way."

"So, what is this place you're talking about Syd?" Nick said, attempting to humor his drunken sci-fi spiel.

"Here," Syd took a worn, folded postcard out of his pocket and tossed it onto the bar in front of him.

Nick sighed and picked it up, not ready to read some sappy love letter that Syd never had the guts to mail. He unfolded it and read the faded black type:

... _Helen Foster has had Syd Carpenter erased from her memory. Please never mention their relationship to her again. Thank you. Lacuna Inc..._

Nick squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the room swirl a bit. "I don't get it, Syd. What is this?"

"It's a company that only has one thing to offer. They listen to your story, get all the good and all the nasty details, and then extract them, one by one, from your memory, and then all that's left is...nothing. Nothing Nick. I tried. I tried to talk to her after, to make her remember, to know me again but...it was too late. And you know what, Nick? She looked happy. After all the years of fighting and misery...how could I take that away from her? So I left her alone. I haven't seen her in ten years. It's better this way. She's better without me."

Nick's set his drink down on the bar, focusing harder on the card. Erase your memory? Of another person? How was that even posssible? This had to be a scam. Later at home, he sipped a cup of strong black coffee as he attemped to research this Lacuna company online.

He didn't find much, just a generic website with the same basic details Syd had given him, and a few one line testimonials, "Lacuna understands me...These are good people, helping people...Finally, I know I'm going to be happy again...Thank you Lacuna!" And then the address and phone number in LA.

So the next day Nick found himself into the lobby of Lacuna Inc. The young blonde receptionist explained the process to him briefly, which was just as Syd had told him. A process of erasing memories, until the person you once knew is completely blotted out of your world.

Overwhelmed by his pain, he felt desperate to at least get more information and agreed to make an appointment with the director. "We're very booked, so it's going to be a bit of a wait." Blonde girl chewed on her pencil a minute and then poised it over the appointment book, how's next month sound?"

From then until his appointment date, he did nothing but think about Jess. From the time she moved in until they she had told him she wanted to end things between them. He tried to think about where he had gone wrong, what could he have done to have changed things. He came up with nothing. Jess wasn't happy, and he didn't know how to make her happy. So they broke up. They tried to continue living together, but that had failed miserably. They were obviously still in love, and watching each other try to move on with other people seemed inconceivable. So Jess moved out, and Nick closed himself off, emotionally and physically, from the rest of the world.

And all of that had led him here, listening to Dr Mierzwiak, a calm, stocky man in his late fifties, explain their services to him. "It's a complicated process, Mr Miller, with a very simple result. We help unhappy people who want to move on. We provide that possibility."

Nick needed more than that, that's why he was here. He sat silent, waiting for him to continue.

"The first thing you need to do, Mr Miller, is to go home and collect everything you own that has some association with Jess. We'll use these items to create a map of Jess in your brain. We'll need photos, clothing, gifts, books she may have bought you, cds you may have bought together, journal entries. You want to empty your home, you want to empty your life, of Jess. After the mapping is done, our technicians will do the erasing at your home tonight. That way, when you awake in the morning, you find yourself in your own bed, as if nothing had happened. And a whole new life awaiting you."

Nick sat stupefied, on the verge of relenting but still not completely convinced that this wasn't some kind of hoax. It sounded like a bad SyFy channel movie. "But this process, the erasing...is it, uh...safe? Can it cause any brain damage?"

Dr Mierzwiak let out a chuckle, "Well, Nick, the procedure itself is, what you might call, a form of brain damage. Something along the lines of a night of heavy drinking, nothing more. We'll start with your more recent memories and work backwards from there. There's an emotional core to all of your memories, and when we eradicate that core, it starts it's degredation process. When you wake in the morning, all of those memories will have withered and disappeared. As a dream upon waking."

Nick pinched the bridge of his nose hard. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, that all of this was actually real. And Jess had become such a huge part of his life, how were they actually going to be able to erase all of that? Wound't it leave huge gaps in his memory?

He didn't want to forget her, but the misery he had endured these past few months was sucking every last ounce of life from his bones. And the final nail in their coffin came two days ago.

He was passing by Arte's Cafe on his way to work when he saw Jess sitting at one of the outside tables. She was leaning close to a man with dark hair, her head on his shoulder. Shocked, he turned away and stepped on the gas as hard has he could, speeding to work and downing two shots of bourbon as soon as he got behind the bar. He knew for a fact that he had never seen that jerk before, so that could only mean one thing. Jess was moving on, without him. The hole in his heart seemed to cave in and cause a void that he knew no other woman on earth could ever fill.

As Mierzwiak finished his explanation, Nick didn't even try to stop the tears as they streamed down his face. The inner turmoil he was feeling had resulted in a permanent clenching sensation in his gut. In his right mind he could never do something so drastic, but his right mind had taken a dive into an abyss of deep anguish. He had heard enough. The doctor looked at him sympathetically and spoke kindly, "I know you're hurting, Nick. Let us help you."

Nick took a shaky breath before answering in a low, defeated voice, "Alright. I'm ready."


	3. Chapter 3

Nick sat on his bed, surrounded by what he now realized was more than half of his current life. As he had tried to go through his belongings it became apparent that there was almost nothing in his life that Jessica Day hadn't touched. Nothing that didn't hold some tiny part of her, no matter how small.

The stand outs were obvious. The Ass-strat mug. A green paper bracelet. A black hair tie. His favorite green sleep shirt. Chicago Bulls Jersey. Ferris Bueller's Day Off dvd. Yellowman cd. Six pack of Heisler beer. Yeah, he was even going to have to change beers. Flash drive of Jess' birthday video.

He emptied the contents of the final bottle down his throat, remembering the longing in Jess' eyes when he gargled it in front of her. Thought about the last time Jess had accepted his mug invitation a year ago, which had resulted in one of the kinkiest nights they had ever had together. Cd of Jamaican music that he had danced to, stark naked, in front of her. The day he ran around town getting footage of all her friends to surprise her on her birthday. The evening they came back from Mexico, and he slipped the green bracelet onto her wrist before kissing her breathless, right in front of a disgusted Winston and Schmidt. The tee shirt he was wearing the first night they kissed, when his entire world was turned up side down, and then right side up again.

He gathered it all into two garbage bags, hauling it down to his car and handing it off to the technician in a small examination room at Lacuna. As he placed each object in front of of him, the tech took tomographic images of his brain, mapping out the precise locations of each memory that was associated with each item. After three long hours, Nick was on his way home with a set of dark pajamas and a prescription for a heavy duty sedative. Schmidt was gone on a work retreat, and Winston was also away for a weekend training session at the precinct. No interference and no distractions.

Alone in his room, Nick changed into the pajamas and popped the top of the medicine bottle, swallowing the lone pill inside. He took several swigs from a bottle of Stoli on his bedside table and then laid down on his newly purchased black and grey bedding. A few tears escaped as he closed his eyes, both terrified and anxious for this nightmare to be over.

Lights and images flashed under his tightly sealed lids, as if he were asleep, but awake at the same time. But he was definitely asleep. The process had begun. The surreal quality made it seem dreamlike, but recounted actual times and places, all associated with Jess. It felt incredibly real, like he was plopped back down inside the actual event, reliving that exact moment from his life all over again. His brain replayed his meeting with the tech at Lacuna that afternoon, going through his bag of Jess related objects. As each item was placed before him, an image of Jess would appear along with it. And he found himself inside memory after memory, all joined together in a messy collage that his mind was now jumping from chaotically. He had no control as his brain time-jumped his body into each scenario in a matter of seconds/minutes.

The bird mug that she drank herbal tea from every morning for three years conjured up Jess sitting at the kitchen table, sipping from it and watching Nick over her black framed glasses. "Ugh, yes Nick, the cupcakes are for everyone. Would you just get outta here now! Trying to have some girl time with CeCe here." And then as he was leaving he overheard their muted conversation, "Why can't I stop thinking about his mouth on my mouth?" He had been intriguied, peaking around the corner at Jess. But now he just felt anxious as he looked at her again, but the image was blurry and fading. A moment later and she had completely disappeared, as if someone had mouse clicked her body and pressed Delete. Nick felt the loss keenly, as if something terrible had just happened to Jess. He looked around the room, seeing only CeCe at the table now, calmly drinking a cup of tea.

Seconds later Nick was sitting in the living room, watching Jess jump up into Sam's arms. He remembered feeling like he'd been kicked in the gut, and a similar emotion rose up now. She kissed Sam madly, then squealed with abandon as he placed her back on the floor. After Sam left, she turned to Nick, gleeful, "I LOVE being Katie! I think I'm just gonna stay Katie. She's got some pretty dark needs." She sat down beside Nick, who was feeling equal parts jealous and aroused by her description of her wild night with Sam, her blue robe showing off her smooth white thighs. But the more she talked, the more he realized how out of her league he was. She deserved the doctor, not him. He was actually relieved when this particular memory fizzled away.

Next thing he knew he was standing in front of Jess in her bedroom. The pink pajama top she wore was buttoned wrong and her black skirt clung to her legs. _No, not this memory. I don't wanna relive it, just take it away now!_ Jess stared at him angrily, "So you're telling me that you never think about our future? We've been together an entire year, Nick, how could you not have a plan!" Nick stood there watching her, for the second time. The first time he was angry, confused. Why did she have to have everything mapped out in advance, why couldn't see just go with it and see where life took them?

His prospects in life had never been great, and as a bartender in his mid 30s, he had nothing new to add to the list. The first time around he had hung his head, spitting out the words he didn't want to say, "So, what, you wanna just..break up?" Jess looked at him like he finally uttered the sad but inevitable correct answer. "Nick we just..we have nothing in common. I think we were just fooling ourselves that this was actually going anywhere. With you, that's just..that's never going to happen, is it?" He felt like a complete failure. How could he argue with her? She was right, he just wasn't worth her time anymore. Her form distorted before his eyes and then vanished.

Then he was standing in a church in the dead of winter at his father's funeral. Jess was suddenly beside him, covering his trembling hand with hers, providing him with instant calm. He looked over at her, eyes drifitng to the item he had snagged before leaving home the next day, the Elvis wig Jess had worn, then immediately to her vivid blue eyes. So much love in those eyes, why didn't he see the love there that day? He knew she cared, but love wasn't something he thought she was feeling then. But there it was, shining in her eyes like the sunshine. But just as before, the image became more and more distorted, the organ rendition of _In the Ghetto_ fading out with her.

Then a beach in Mexico at night, Jess lying beside him on the cooling sand, her hand linked tightly into his. The moon was this giant thing above them, and so many emotions were washing over him like the tide several yards below. "Nick? I just wanna say, I'm so glad we did this...I'm so glad I'm with you right now." Jess rolled over and slid her right leg in between his legs, laying her head on his chest. Nick's heartbeat picked up as she practically glued her body to his and he wrapped his arms around her, rubbing his hands up and down her back and kissing her temple before answering.

Another reiterated memory, but this was a different one. One where he got to touch her. He held her as close as he coud, scared to death that she would slip away before he got to say it again, he wanted to say it to her again, because he really, truly meant it. "Jess...I'm not good at saying things, but I feel...I'm just, happy. I've never felt that before." He had known right then and there that he loved her, and he still did. He realized now that was never going to change. As he tightened his grip on her body, his hands suddenly landed on his own chest. He gasped loudly, realizing he was now laying alone on the darkened beach, embracing nothing but thin air.

Nick's mind began to panic, even in his unconscious state. He was erasing Jess? Getting rid of her? What the hell had he been thinking? He didn't want to do this! He loved her! His mind was suddenly aware of the presence of two men from Lacuna in the room with him, painstakingly removing Jessica Day from his life with some keystrokes and the click of of a mouse. He tried with all of his might to communicate with them. _Hey! Are you there? Listen to me! I changed my mind, okay?! I changed my mind!_

Heedless to his pleas, the memories continued, and suddenly he sat behind the wheel of Jess' Volvo station wagon, driving down the highway. Jess sat in the passenger seat next to him, smiling and laughing in awe. Nick suddenly realized he had to do something to stop all this, and he needed her help. "Jess, are you really here?"

She smiled wider, leaning close and kissing his cheek, "Of course I'm here Nick. We're here, together. I told you, I was just messing with you about directions. I don't care where we go. You pick!" She giggled, oblivious to the dire situation that he was currently in.

"No Jess, you don't understand. They're erasing you, okay? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Jess, it was all my fault. I never meant to hurt you. But I can't lose the only thing I have left of you, the memories. I went to this company and now there are two men in my bedroom with equipment and they are using it to delete you from my memory!"

Jess looked over at him, her smile fading, the comfort pouring out of her eyes, "It's okay, Nicholas. I understand. You didn't know what you were doing. But what can we do about it now?" It was Jess talking, but it wasn't. It's how Jess would react if she sat next to him again in this car, on this road, on this particular night. And if she knew, for real, what was happening to him, to them, that's what she would have said. She was there, he could talk to her, reach out and touch her, feel her, but only fleetingly.

Nick turned back toward the road ahead of him that had suddenly blurred, the orange lane markers the only thing left that was visible. "I need to, uh, do something different. Go somewhere different. That way they can't find us, and then they can't erase you!"

Jess rubbed her hand up and down his forearm trying to settle him, her voice like balm to his raw nerves, "Nicholas...I'll go anywhere with you."

Nick took an exit he hadn't take the first time and drove down toward the beach, parking and killing the engine. He got out and ran to Jess' side of the car, pulling open the door and dragging her out into his arms. He embraced her ferociously, his mouth next to her ear, "Don't leave me, Jess. Don't let them take you away. Please, stay here with me, I need you!"

Jess ran her fingers through his hair and pressed her lips to his neck, dipping her head down to kiss her way up his throat to his chin, then covering his mouth in a long, searching kiss. "I'm not going anywhere Miller." The emotions of that night were magnified times ten now, a desperate urgency gripping his entire body. His arms clung to her, fusing her to him as he kissed her back with everything ounce of strength left in him.

Suddenly a light from above the illuminated them and Nick grabbed her hand, tearing down the beach with her. She held tight to his hand and ran along with him, "Nick, what the hell is that? What's happening?!"

Nick panted wildly, running as fast as he could down the beach, holding onto her for dear life. "It's them! They found us! Run, Jess! We gotta get out of here!" But as he turned to look at her, she was gone. He grasped at the air where she had been just seconds ago, but it was no use. Nick sat down on the beach and put his head in his hands, a storm of tears crashing down his face like the crashing of the waves before him.

He didn't even have time to mourn her loss as memory after memory continued. Each time she willingly took his hand and followed him as he tried to escape, each time ended the same. Jess gone, Nick alone.

Four years of memories had run through Nick's mind in the course of one night, and suddenly Nick was sitting in the loft with Schmidt and Coach. Jess sat in front of them in a red and white dress, hugging herself and rambling on about how Spencer had cheated on her, and now she needed a new place to live.

Nick's entire body tensed as he remembered what Dr Mierzwiak had said, that they'd work backwards from his most recent memories to the oldest. That's when he knew. It was almost over now.

Nick jumped up from the couch and took Jess' hands, "Sorry to interrupt, but can I talk to you outside for a minute?" He led her quickly out to the balcony, shutting the doors behind him and turning back a slightly freaked out Jess.

"Um...hey. Sorry if I was talking too much in there. I know you guys don't know me yet, but I swear I won't be nearly that annoying if you let me move in here. I can do boundaries. Whatever you guys want."

Nick took her hands again and she let him, a little out of breath from her rapid fire speech, and little too nervous to be offended by the intimate act. "Jess, listen to me. This is it, my last memory of you. We only have a few minutes, probably a few seconds left and I just want to say..." He froze, not knowing what to say now. He leaned close and took her into his arms, hugging her close.

Jess stilled a moment, then put her arms around him, hugging him back. Nick buried his head in her neck, tears flowing and soaking the skin of her neck. He just held on, mumbling to her, "I'm so sorry Jess...so sorry I fucked everything up. I love you. Please...just please know that I love you. In the morning I won't know that anymore, but I want you to know it. I love you Jess. I always will."

Jess held him tighter, responding to his grief as only she could, "It's okay...it's okay. You didn't mean it. I know that. I know you love me. I love you too."

Nick pulled back to look into her eyes as her form started fading, her vivid blues holding onto him as he heard her last words to him, "This isn't the end, Nick. I love you. I'll find you again."

Blue was the last thing he saw before empty air, and then darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

Schmidt, CeCe and Winston sat in a booth at the back of the bar, three identical postcards addressed to each of them stacked on the table surrounded by their individual drinks of choice. They had all sat silently as Nick delivered them, then returned to the bar to wait on two new customers who had just arrived.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Schmidt started in, "Okay, this is serious you guys. Either this Lacuna company is really a thing or Nick has finally, inevitably snapped. His brain has reached it's fullest capacity and has started dumping large chunks of info to make room for new. I had always feared this would happen sometime around his thirties, well, it has apparently indeed taken place. We need to get him to a doctor, or a holistic healer or something, someone who can help us!"

Winston sighed, wishing this was all just a bad dream, and he was back home watching _Bravo_ with Ferguson. "Schmidt, I think there's maybe a more obvious answer..." He picked up one of the cards and held it up between them.

CeCe was skeptical, "Come on. You're telling me this place is for real? That there is an actual open-for-business company that can erase part of your brain?"

Winston nodded, "Apparently, yes. I checked them out online and they have a legitimate website. They're registered with the Better Business Bureau, and surprisingly have zero complaints logged there."

Schmidt snorted, "Uh, yeah! Because nobody remembers doing business with them! I hate to say it, but...Nick was circling the drain after Jess left, and look at him now. It's like nothing ever happened. So short of a nervous breakdown, which I admit we were legitimately worried about, this...this is happening. We tried to get him to talk, to tell us something that made any sense at all but I'm telling you. Nick. Does. Not. Know. Jess."

CeCe scooted out of the booth, "Alright, alright Schmidt. I'm going to go talk to him. I've gotten to know Nick pretty well working with him this year. I can't explain the card, but you guys, listen to me, there's gotta be some other logical explanation. This break up has been hard on both of them. You don't known the half of it. What Jess has been through has been...I'm just, I'll talk to him. Stay put."

She made her way to the bar, Winston stayed in the booth with Schmidt, sipping his Malibu Mango Tango, nervously tapping his foot in time with the random Paula Cole tune playing on the Jukebox. They watched her sitting on the bar stool, leaning in to capture his attention. Then leaning back into the seat. Then slipping off the chair and shaking her head, her hands moving in wide sweeping gestures. Then shoulders slumping in defeat as she made her way back the booth. She slid across the red faux leather and grabbed her vodka soda, sipping absently, a look of sheer disbelief.

She spoke quietly, "I can't believe it. He...he really...he doesn't know her."

Schmidt and Winston didn't say anything. The moment weighed heavy on all of them. They all knew the deep connection Nick had with Jess. From the early days of the loft, it wasn't always readily evident, but they all knew it was brewing underneath. It had prompted the No-Nail Oath. It's what CeCe saw when she tried to get Jess to look beneath his Walter-Mattheau exterior. They all saw how close they had become, how they looked out for each other and took care of each other. And now all of that was just...gone.

Schmidt stormed through the front door of Lacuna, Winston and CeCe trailing close behind him, and pushed past the reception area into the back, where he assumed Dr Mierzwiak's office would be located.

"Excuse me! Sir! You can't go back there!" A young, blonde girl ran after him.

He stopped in the hall when she reached him and grabbed his arm, "Lady look, I need to speak to doctor, like, yesterday. Or two days ago to be exact. Do you have any idea what he has done to my best friend Nick Miller? Now unhand me!"

He shook his arm violently, trying to free it when the doctor emerged from his office, "Mary, what's going on?"

"I'm so sorry doctor, he just ran right past me and demanded to see you..." she whined, flustered and very apologetic.

Schmidt stuck out his free hand, "Dr Mierzwiak? Schmidt. We are here to discuss your most recent dealings with Nicholas Miller, and we're not leaving here until we do!"

The doctor reached out and touched blonde lady's arm, "It's okay, Mary. I'll talk to them."

After brief introductions were made, the three of them sat in a row of old creaking wood chairs in front of the doctor's desk, which was fully loaded with stack after stack of manilla file folders. He pushed a stack aside, speaking kindly, "I understand you're here about Nick. Our files are confidential, but suffice it to say, Mr Miller was very unhapy and he came to us for help. If you're his friends, you know the loss that he recently suffered and the toll that this loss was taking on his life."

Schmidt started to speak but Cece grabbed his hand and squeezed it, silencing him momentarily. "Look doctor, we're not here to come down on you. I'm sure that this...whatever this thing is that you do, helps people. I guess. All we want to know is...is the procedure you performed on Nick...is it reversible?"

The doctor closed his eyes and sighed, then looked at them with a clear, honest expression, "I can tell that you all care for Nick very much, but I'm sorry to tell you...no. The process of eliminating core memories from the brain, I'm afraid it's...it's permanent."

Schmidt put his head in his hands, trying to breathe, trying to resist the urge to jump over the desk and deck the guy. The doctor's fatherly demeanor diffused his anger. "Look doc, maybe you know about Jess from the things that Nick told you but you don't know their history, okay? This wasn't just your run of the mill failed _Bachelor_ romance. This was the truest, purest love I have ever seen with my own two baby blue, 20/20 vision eyes."

"I understand. I'm sorry. But when people are as unhappy and as miserable as Nick was when he came to us, we have a duty...an obligation to help. I saw a man hurting and in need and he asked for my help and I gave it to him. Tell me, how is Nick doing now? Is he still holed up in his bedroom all day, barely able to make it to his job, barely able to function as a normal human being?"

They didn't answer for a moment, then Winston spoke, "Uh...no. He's better now. He's...functional. But without Jess...he's just not the same person doctor. I don't know that he ever will be again."

"People change, Mr. Bishop. They go through seasons in life, and Nick is just beginning a new one. As I said, I can see that you all care about Nick and want the very best for him. At this point all you can do is respect the choice he made and stand beside him as he moves on with his life."

Schmidt leaned forward, resting his hands on the desk and looked him straight in the eye, "You talk about moving on. Living your life. Being happy. Well I've known Nick Miller for a long, long time, and the only time I have ever seen him truly happy...is when he was with Jess."

They all trailed out of the Lacuna offices, in a somber but much more dignified way than they entered it. As they walked down the street, Winston took a deep breath before diving into the question they had all been avoiding until now, "Guys, I know we haven't really talked about it yet but...what about Jess?"

CeCe fought tears, thinking about what she had to tell her. Her best friend, whose world had also crumbled into something equally as painful as Nick's. "I'll tell her."

Winston put his hand on her shoulder, "Look Cece, you should know something. Before this all started, Nick told me... He saw Jess at Arte's cafe with a man. He said she had her head on his shoulder and he was hugging her. He was heartbroken. I think that was the last straw for him, why he lost his head and decided to do this thing."

CeCe breathed in sharply, paused then let out an airy, humorless laugh, "You've got to be kidding me."

Winston looked at her, confused, "What?"

"That was Jess' cousin, Chase. He was in town on business and they...they were very close as kids. He was offering her a shoulder." CeCe felt the tension in her body rising at the realization. A simple misunderstanding, something so simple as one short conversation could have stopped this, all of this, from happening.

Schmidt cursed outloud, "Shit! Why didn't we know what he was planning! Why didn't he talk to us about it?"

CeCe reached over and pulled him into a loose hug, Winston followed after her and joined into their mini hug ball on the street. "Guys, it's okay. How could any of us have known? It's okay. I'm gonna talk to Jess and we'll just...we'll deal with it."

As they arrived back at bar, CeCe picked up her car and drove straight to the supermarket. This called for wine. Lots of wine.


	5. Chapter 5

**I was going to wait and post this on Tuesday night, when New Girl would normally be airing (sigh...), but I'm plowing through this story pretty fast. And since I have other stories planned for the next few months, I figured I'd go ahead with this chapter and maybe post the next by Tuesday. That might be stretching it, but we'll see. Quick updates are always more fun :)**

 _Jess squeezed Nick's hand tight as he practically yanked her into the elevator. He spun them around and pushed her against the wall, his kiss warming the rain-soaked skin of her neck. Jess closed her eyes and moaned, digging her fingers into his wet hair and sighing at the utter contentment she felt. Never in her life had she felt so protected, so safe, as she did in that moment._

 _Seconds later she felt nothing but cool air. She snapped her eyes open, scanning the empty elevator. Panic seized her entire body, the air around her growing thick, hazy, suffocating. She fell to her knees, gasping for breath, "Nick!" She inhaled sharply, the air entering her lungs felt like ice. She reached for the panel of buttons, inching her way over on her knees, when suddenly the botton of the elevator dropped out and she fell down into the blackness below._

"Jess! Honey, wake up." She opened her eyes to CeCe sitting over her on her couch. "Are you okay? Oh babe, you look like hell. I knew I never should have let you drink that much."

Jess sat up and hugged her shaky body, sweat soaking her tea cup pajamas. "CeCe...I'm fine. I just...it was just a dream." Her head swam and pounded heavily, the massive hangover a relief to what her exhausted brain had just been through.

"You're not okay, Jess. I know, I'm sorry to ask such a dumb question. I'm making you eggs." CeCe rose and headed for the kitchen, leaving Jess to collect herself.

Jess sat back against the couch and groaned, holding her head. She tried to focus on her physical pain instead of what had caused it. Tears escaped her stinging eyes and ran down her cheeks. Now that she was sober again, reality smacked her cold across the face. She thought she knew a thing or two about grief after she lost Nick, but that was nothing to the pain she knew now.

Nausea swirled deep in her belly, a feeling that she knew had little to do with the bottle and a half of wine she had consumed last night. Her mind instantly began reliving what had happened the night before, when her already shaky world crumbled even further into the dark.

~N/J~

Jess had come home from school to her favorite chinese takeout and Chardonnay. After CeCe made sure Jess ate something and had at lease two glasses of wine, she broke the news about Nick as gently as she could.

Jess made her explain it several times, not able to believe it was real. She couldn't belive it was real, not until she saw it. Saw him. For herself.

CeCe road shotgun as Jess sped across town to the bar, wondering if CeCe had taken up recreational drugs to come up with this story. She slowed to a stop at the side of the bar when she spotted Nick tossing a garbage bag into dumpster. She held her breath as he walked right by her car without stopping.

"Oh my..I can't do this CeCe, I can't see him right now. He's going to think I'm crazy showing up here like this."

CeCe sighed, "He's not going to think anything, Jess." She paused a moment before deciding to rip off the bandaid. CeCe leaned out the window and hollered in Nick's direction, "Hey! Hey, Mark! Is that you?"

Jess covered head with her arms as Nick approached the car innocently, "Mark? Nope, I'm Nick."

CeCe forced a smile and waved him off, "Oh. Okay, sorry man."

"No problem," he hollered as he disappeared back inside the bar without the smallest glance at Jess.

Jess lowered her arms, dumbfounded, "I...I can't believe it. He..he didn't even stop. He completely ignored me, and he acted like he didn't even know you!" Her voice crescendoed louder with each syllable.

CeCe reached over and grabbed Jess' hands, trying to calm her down, "He doesn't, Jess. He doesn't know me. He erased you and he didn't know me without knowing you first so..Jess? Jess, are you alright?"

Jess suddenly quieted, eyes wide, staring into the distance, "How could he, CeCe? How could he...?"

CeCe rubbed her hand across her arm, "Jess...I don't know. All I know is what the guys told me, that Nick was in misery after you left. Stayed in bed all day. Barely eating and drinking enough to stay alive, barely able to work. Schmidt was about to call in some kind of voo-doo professional and then it was just...done. He didn't tell anyone, didn't talk to any of us about it first."  
Tears streamed down Jess stricken face as she tried to make herself understand what she was hearing.

"There is one thing though, right before he did it...he had told Winston that he saw you with Chase at Arte's. Saw you with your head on his shoulder. He thought you had moved on, found someone else. We think...we think that was what pushed him over the edge."

Jess sobbed, unable to speak. This was all her fault. She was the one who freaked out and ended things between them. All because Nick couldn't spell out an A to Z outline of their future? And then, Chase? Knowing that she was the one who put the final nail in her own coffin in Nick's mind was unbearable. Was this some kind of nightmare?

Back at the apartment, Jess grabbed another bottle of wine from the fridge. Passing on a glass, she uncorked it and planted herself on the sofa, drinking straight from the bottle for several minutes before speaking. CeCe just sat quietly next to her and waited. Finally, Jess took a breath before diving in, "Alright Ceece, I need you to tell me everything, okay? Everything that I don't already know about Nick, about Lacuna. _Everything_. She took another long swallow from the bottle and squeezed her eyes shut tightly before leaning back and attempting to focus on CeCe's sympathetic eyes.

So CeCe dove in, opened up her laptop, showed her the website. Told her about the postcards, about storming the offices at Lacuna to get some answers themselves. Jess just listened and drank. Then got up midway and opened another bottle and consuming half of it before passing out on the couch into a fitful, defeated sleep.

Now, the morning after, she just felt numb. She jumped a little when CeCe sat down beside her on the couch again, interrupting her melancholy reverie. She sat a tray of scrambled eggs and juice in front of her, demanding that she at least try to eat. Jess sobered, almost gagging at CeCe's bad imitation of scrambled eggs, managing to eat enough to satisfy her before laying back down again.

"Jess, I don't even know what to say." CeCe watched Jess carefully, wondering seriously if she was going to be in need of some professional help herself.

Jess sat almost catatonic, feeling like she was back inside her dream again, back in the elevator, unable to breathe, unable to fight back against the evil that surrounded her. She sat unmoving, trying to imagine living life knowing that she had caused Nick so much pain that he had to permanently delete her from his memory just to be able to live.

Her mind almost wouldn't accept it, but she knew better. Nick's life may have seemed plain and simple to the average bystander, but she knew that wasn't true. Nick was very complex, his mind constantly thinking about things, wondering, second guessing. In Mexico, he had admitted to her that it was his fear and tendency to overthink things that caused him to suggest calling it after CeCe's wedding. But she when she told him she wanted to be with him, it was just what he needed to hear before jumping _all in_ with her that night.

And that's why she was having such a hard time with this now. The idea that Nick had made such a snap decision about her, about them, it just wasn't him. She knew now that Nick would never do someting so awful, so irreversible, if he had not been in the worst, most excruciating kind of pain. Her heart wanted to burst, the anguish that knowledge brought her more than she could bear. Without another thought, she had made her decision.

~N/J~

Jess threw open the front door at Lacuna and moved quickly past the empty reception desk, scanning each room down the hallway until she found who she was looking for. "Dr Mierzwiak? I'm Jessica Day."

Recognition passed over the man's face before he spoke softly, "Yes. Yes, Miss Day. I know who you are."

Jess took a deep breath, ignoring the searing pain in her chest that told her she was about to make a terrible, life ruining mistake, "Good. Then you know why I'm here."

Six hours later Jess sat alone in CeCe's apartment wearing a scratchy pair of black polyester pajamas, holding a small white pill in her trembling hand. She had ignored CeCe's pleas to give it time, give it more thought. She couldn't think. Couldn't think about Nick, walking around in the world, living his life without her. Couldn't think about walking around in the world knowing what she had done to him.

But now that the time had come, she was indeed having second thoughts. What if that's how Nick had felt when he did what he did? What if he had decided to think again before he acted, talk to the guys, talk to her even?

The last one was laughable. They hadn't spoken since the day she moved out. She spent the next several weeks in a daze, going throught the motions of working and teaching, staying as busy as she could so she didn't have to think about him, and the potential mistake she had made ending it.

Because now it was startling clear that it had been a mistake. She loved him. And he loved her. After hours of cataloguing item after item with the technicians at Lacuna, she knew without a doubt that this man loved her, heart and soul.

He had run away from a date with his college obsession just to save her from the embarrassment of being stood up. Missed his plane home at Christmas just to see her smile. Walked a haunted house of terror to keep her from being blindsighted by rejection. Kissed her senseless in a hallway. Carried her stunned body to his bed. Took her again, and again and again on a Mexican beach. Followed her to a pop stars home just to tell her he loved her, and to hear her say it back to him.

He loved her. Didn't just feel things for her, but _loved_ her. Love as a verb. In a hundred different ways since the day they met.

Adrenaline shot through her body, a fight or flight sensation suddenly coursing through her veins. How could she do this now? If she allowed those memories to be erased, it would be like they had never happened. And those were the most amazing moments of her entire life.

Jess shook her head, as if waking from yet another bad dream and glanced toward the window, hearing the chugging sound of the Lacuna van outside. She jumped up, tossing the pill aside and tore down the stairs, bypassing the elevator in her haste. Throwing open the front doors she ran up to two very startled men.

"Hi! I'm Jessica Day. And.. we will not be erasing Nick Miller from my brain tonight. Or any night. Okay? Okay, bye." And then she turned and ran back inside, changing quickly into a black polka dotted dress and flats and took off for the bar.


	6. Chapter 6

Jess leaned against the wall outside the main door at Clyde's, trying to ward off the beginnings of a nervous breakdown.

She had to go in there. But how was she going to go in there? She had to see him, but what was it going to do to her already shattered heart to see him, to look into his eyes and have him not even know her? Already her body was screaming at her to run, run away and never look back again.

An image flashed across her mind of those eyes, clear and focused, controlled yet full of longing as he said five words her heart would never forget, "I meant something like that."

And just like that the strangest feeling began to take hold. Like somewhere, somehow, some other time or place, she had connected with the anguised, desperate Nick Miller, and she was now fulfilling a promise to him. To see him again, to find him, and to somehow make things right again.

She had no earthly idea how she was going to do that, or if it was even possible. All she knew now was that she had to see him, had to talk to him. That her mind, her heart needed to connect with him, in whatever way she could.

She took a deep breath and pulled open the door, taking long strides to the bar before she lost her nerve. She kept her head down as she plopped into a seat at the bar, purposely not looking to see if Nick was there, giving herself a moment to catch her breath before plunging into those deep, painful waters.

"Hey, how are ya? What can I get ya?" Jess slowly lifted her head, her eyes rising to rest on a scruffy chin, then grazing up a crooked nose before landing on deep, dark brown orbs.

Her breath caught in her throat which had suddenly gone dry, and she choked and coughed, fighting a thick ball of awfulness that rose up.

Sharp, sudden pain gripped her, so deep that it almost felt physical, her heart breaking at his blank, expectant gaze. Everything she learned from Dr Mierzwiak, from CeCe, had done nothing to prepare her for the torture of seeing absolutely zero recognition in his eyes as he looked at her, waiting for her to answer him.

Jess slid off the booth, dropping her purse and grabbing her chest, sputtering for breath.

"Hey..hey miss, are you okay?" Nick leaned over the bar, his face a mask of concern at the crazy lady in obvious distress.

Jess couldn't answer as she bolted from the bar area back to the ladies room, rushing inside and into a stall where her stomach violently emptied it's contents into the toilet, again and again. Tears spilled out each time the contractions seized her, and she gasped for breath as they finally halted. Leaning back against the stall door she closed her eyes and willed herself to forget everything that was happening, to focus on nothing but inhaling and exhaling.

Ten minutes later, she sat inelegantly on the floor next to the john, still attempting to block out what was on the other side of that door and just breathe. She reached a weak hand into her pocket and called CeCe, her one and only lifeline in this night of terror.

 _Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up..._ after three rings it went straight to voicemail. She hit dial two more times before giving up. _Nice. The one time I want you to butt in..._

 _Okay, second wind. I have to go out there_. Dizziness warmed over her head as she got up from the floor. She leaned on the sink, dabbing at her face with a wet paper towel. _You can do this, Jess, you can do this._

She made her way outside the restroom, no idea what she was going to do now. As she came through the door she spotted Nick standing nearby. He caught her eye right away, like he had been waiting for her to come out.

"Hi. I'm sorry, I don't mean to bug you, but I noticed you were sick and I just wanted to make sure you were alright." The concern in his eyes was genuine, and Jess was too weak to argue as he placed his hand gently on her back and led her back to a booth, seating her there and telling her he'd be right back.

A couple minutes later, he returned with a ginger ale and a moistened hand towel. "Here ya go. Look, I don't usually make a habit of taking care of overserved customers, but..you just got here, so I know you're not drunk."

Jess looked into his eyes, finding it a little easier now as shades of the Nick Miller she had always known played out before her. The intensity of the last twenty minutes diffused a bit and she felt comforted, his hand resting on her shoulder. "Here, drink this. It's ginger ale. And here's a towel. Why don't you hang out here for a bit, okay?"

Jess just nodded, taking the towel and pressing it to her sweaty, flushed face. She felt some relief when he walked back to the bar to take care of a few new customers, taking the time to calm down and try and collect herself.

New tears sprang to her eyes at the realization that...he was doing it, just like he always had. As far as he was concerned, they had just met, and he was looking after her, taking care of her already. The night went on and Jess stayed where she was, sipping her drink and watching Nick do a job that was second nature to him. Every few minutes, he'd look back at her, checking up on her. Their eyes would connect and he would smile quickly before returning to his work.

An hour later, Nick suddenly appeared next to the booth. She hadn't seen him approach, and she jumped slightly. He laughed gently, "Hey, sorry. Didn't meant to startle you. Mind if I sit?"

Jess nodded, and he slid into the booth opposite her, nervously clenching and unclenching his fists. "I don't want to bother you..I'm Nick by the way. I think I told you that before you took off to puke in the bathroom for ten minutes."

Jess let herself look him in the eye, again feeling that comfort, that sense of ease that she had always had with him. "You're not bothering me. I, uh...I appreciate you helping me. The ginger ale and..." She trailed off, at a loss for what to say. Now that she was with him again, and now that she had spent a little time recovering, she felt somewhat less queasy but still had no idea what she was doing.

"It's no big deal. I saw you weren't feeling well and I...well, I just wanted to help. Can I ask you one thing?"

Jess froze, not ready for an in depth inquiry. _Wait, in depth? This is Nick we're talking about. He's not going to ask me about my hopes and dreams that fast._ "Uh...yeah."

He leaned forward, resting on his clasped hands, "What's your name?"

Jess breathed out in relief, an actual smile lighting up her face, and she sputtered out a messy response, "Jess. I'm Jess, um...Jessica...actually. Jessica Day."

Nick's smile grew warmer as he reached out and offered her his hand. She tentatively took it, feeling his warmth on her skin. It felt like years since she got to feel him, touch him, and it was like coming home again, a healing balm that instantly calmed her nerves.

"It's nice to meet you Jess. This is going to sound weird, and feel free to tell me to take a hike if you want to but...would you mind if I drove you home? I can tell your equilibrium is off, and it's really not safe to drive that way. Trust me, I know. Anyway Mike, my replacement, came in early, so I'm free to go and...I'd feel better if you let me take you home. No funny business, I swear. I mean, you don't know me like that, and stranger danger is real, so if you'd rather not, that's totally cool. I can call you a cab if you'd rather. " Nick looked at her expectantly, hanging on her answer.

Jess couldn't believe her ears. This was Nick, taking initiative, seeking her out and offering to leave work to take her home? After they first met, how long did it take her to break down walls that he had built up years before? And now that they were _meeting again_..walls down, just like that. She held his gaze, not wanting to look away, not wanting to be anywhere but next to him, for as long as possible. "Yes. You can..take me home, that, uh...that would be nice."

~N/J~

Jess found herself outside her apartment, Nick following close behind. The drive there was filled with what she immediately recognized as romantic tension. Nick was attracted to her, and it was palpable. But more than that, there was that connection between them, that unspoken promise that he would always take care of her, no matter what. And that rule seemed to be in full effect, in direct opposition to any rules of nature or science or..whatever the hell Lacuna was practicing.

Jess opened her door and invited him in. Nick made his way to the kitchen, grabbed a mug and quietly made her a cup of tea, bringing it back to her and sitting next to her on the couch.

He paused a moment, "Er..sorry. Was that weird? I just...made you a cup of tea. I've never done that. Made tea. Ever, in my whole life. Did I do it right? I wasn't trying to invade your personal space, but for some reason I...I just felt like you'd want tea." He looked down into his lap, shaking his head like he was the dumbest boy in school.

Jess laughed softly, placing her hand on his knee. He raised his head, surprised. She smiled reassuringly, knowing full well why he made her tea. He had made her hundreds of cups in the many years that he knew her. It was just automatic by now, even if he didn't remember it. Like a kind of muscle memory. "It's alright. I actually did want tea. Maybe you just..somehow picked up on that?"

He watched her quietly before answering, "Maybe."

"Well...it was really thoughtful, and I appreciate it Nick...thank you."

He smiled back nervously, "You're welcome. So, feel free to kick me out if you want. Or maybe, I don't know...we could talk if you want to?"

And that's what they did. For the next three hours they talked. Jess admitted that she had recently been through a break up. Nick told her he had too, broken up with a woman named Caroline. Jess coudn't stop staring, couldn't get enough of his eyes, his hair, his smile, his laugh. The more she talked, and the more he responded, the more at ease she felt, and that made her want to just keep on talking. She told him all about her life, the generic parts, about being a teacher, living with her best friend, originally from Portland.

To his own amazement, Nick found himself opening up and telling her about himself too. How he grew up in Chicago, moving to LA to go to college, dropped out of law school. About his family and how he knew very little of his father before he died. Nick didn't quite understand why he was telling this girl all of this. He barely knew her, and yet somehow he felt like he had known her all his life. He felt comfortable confiding in her, felt safe in trusting her with his story.

After one in the morning, it was obvious Jess was getting tired. "Wow, I can't believe it got so late so fast. It feels like we just got here. Sorry I rambled on for so long. I never do that, honestly. If you knew me, you'd know I'm generally not an open book with strangers..or friends for that matter."

Joy like she hadn't felt in months burst free inside Jess, and she laughed softly, "No I..I like hearing you talk."

Nick rose to leave, "Well, I'm glad to see you're feeling better, Jess. I know you're tired, so I'm gonna go but...would it be okay if I called you tomorrow?"

Jess cut him off, yelling out loud, "YES!" then sobered at his amused, widened eyes. "I mean, yes. Yeah. Call me. That'd be good. I'd like that." She mentally kicked herself. _Damn it Jess, don't scare him off!_

Nick laughed freely, "Okay, good." He gave her his phone, letting her punch in her numbers and then rose, following her to the door. He turned and she almost ran into him, close enough to feel his breath on her cheek. He paused, warring with his gentlemanliness, his common sense, that told his rebellious body to grab her and kiss her into tomorrow.

He moved back through the door, his eyes holding hers as we went, "Goodnight, Jess."

Jess' breath caught, her body at war with her own desire to ask him to stay. But something in her heart told her that it wouldn't be fair to jump back into bed with Nick just yet. In his mind, they had just met, and what if he considered it a one night stand? Her heart knew that wasn't the case, but her own common sense won out, and she whispered back to him, "Goodnight, Nick."

Not an hour later Jess heard her phone chirp with a new text. Picking up her phone, excitement and relief and fear and a ten other emotions swirled through her wide awake body when she saw that it was from Nick.

 _Hey. Just checking in on you. It's Nick, by the way._

Jess smiled widely, and tossing any uncertainty that she felt aside, she texted him back. And he responded. Then she shot him another and he lobbed one back. And on and on they continued into the early hours of the morning, when their minds and bodies begged them both for rest.

And they both said goodnight, one more time.


	7. Chapter 7

"You want more?"

Jess shook herself, attempting to focus on the Nick in front of her, instead of the Nick she just spent the last five minutes with in her head. Same Nick, very different circumstances. That Nick was naked from the waist up, leaning back against her headboard, grinning widely. This one, fully clothed, leaning over the bar, cocked eyebrow, amusement skittering across his face.

She stared at him absently, his question sparking to life old, familiar desires. _Do I want more..._

"Jess?" Nick laughed under his breath as she finally snapped back to the present.

"Uh, what? Huh?"

He laughed openly now, reaching across the bar to touch her hand, "I said do you want another?" He eyed her empty wine glass, then smiled at her confused look. "Are you okay? You seem a little...off tonight."  
Jess cleared her throat, answering lowly, "Um, yeah. Fine. I'm fine. Just, uh, tired I guess. It's been a long week at work."

He caught her eye and held it for a moment before refilling her glass, then moved down the bar to take care of a couple of new arrivals.

Jess caught her breath, taking her face in her hands and groaning softly. _What are you doing? Snap out of it!_

It had been over a month, and things had fallen back into a semi-normal pattern between them. Well, normal to the average bystander. They talked and texted daily, hung out at the bar together and at the loft with the guys and CeCe.

At first it was strange, trying to navigate conversations that didn't give anything away about their past. Whenever Schmidt or Winston would say something dumb, CeCe would brilliantly steer the topic elsewhere.

One night, Schmidt was drunkenly berating Jess for using his sculpting chutney several months ago, "I mean, come on Jessica. You knew how much that stuff costs..."

CeCe's eyes had gone wide and she swallowed her mouthful of vodka hard, "Hey Schmidt! I've been thinking of getting a breast reduction. What do you think, you uh...have any comments on that?"

Schmidt's mouth had dropped open and he gasped audibly, sputtering and snorting as he answered, "Uh! Do I have any comments on that? YEAH I DO! Are you serious, CeCe?! I am the Westley to your Buttercup, and like Westley I refuse to allow the ruination of perfect breasts!"

Nick had barely noticed the whole exhange, having just tossed back his fourth shot of bourbon that night, his eyes resting on the hemline of Jess' skirt briefly before rising up, focusing and unfocusing intermittently on her face.

Three rum and cokes in herself, Jess just smiled lazily, noting his perusal. It was just like old times. They were friends again, who argued about Jess' naivete and Nick's grumpy tendency to believe the worst of people. Friends, who went shopping for his mom's birthday present at the mall and took Jess to work one morning when her car wouldn't start. Friends, who each felt the _sometimes-attraction_ but neither talked about or acted on.

But it was there nonetheless, simmering between them. Jess knew Nick well enough to realize that the ball was totally in her court where that was concerned. One word from her and they'd be right back where they were before, in and out of each other's beds and driving each other to the brink of insanity. She couldn't let that happen again, couldn't let the good thing they had going now disintegrate into what they had become before. What they had been, until the day they decided to end things. When Jess decided to end things.

Every time she remembered the reason they were both in this bizarre circumstance, she couldn't deny the fact that she was solely to blame. Neither of them would be where they were now if it wasn't for her ridiculous ideals of perfection that Nick would never be able to measure up to.

And she didn't want him to. She knew now, more than ever, that she loved Nick exactly as he was. And she wanted to be with him, but more than that, she wanted to protect him. And that's what she was doing by keeping things PG rated between them. That first night after they met, _again_ , they talked about how they had both gotten out of serious relationships recently, and felt it best to stay away from starting anything with anyone for a while. No one said the words "just friends," but a hands-to-ourselves policy was implied and silentlly agreed upon.

But the more time they spent together, the harder it was to fight what was becoming more and more obvious. A movie at her apartment or a day at the beach together seemed innocent enough, but Jess knew she was much too weak to keep resisting him if they kept spending time alone.

So a night at the bar with the gang was just what she needed to get a little distance, get her head clear. And that's where she found herself now, twisting the stem of her wine glass in circles while she watched Nick assemble drinks. After almost an hour of fighting more flashbacks of Nick in her bed, Schmidt finally showed up and they spent the rest of the early evening hours drinking and playing the jukebox.

Schmidt kept purposely picking 90's chick music that he knew Nick hated, just to get a reaction out of him. "Agh! Schmidty no! How did _Jagged Little Pill_ even get in that thing?"

Jess used to defend Nick, but she was having too much fun watching him get angry and rant about how Schmidt was the only man on the planet who was into Lisa Loeb. It was the Nick she knew and loved, and she had him back. No matter how many times her guilty conscience nagged at her, when it came down to it, Nick was Nick again. Or so it seemed. And the fact that she had been allowed back into his life, however unwittingly on his part, was just the icing on the cake. That's what she had to keep telling herself.

Eventually CeCe and Winston straggled in and they all stuck around past closing to play cards. CeCe leaned in toward Jess, pretending to comment on her hand, "You doing alright, babe?"

Jess' head swam a little from the alcohol, "Yes. Fine. Better never. I mean..never better."

CeCe gave her a look before groaning at Schmidt's last musical choice, "Ugh! I just..can't do Dido anymore. Be right back." CeCe scanned the selections before cueing up an AC/DC rock block.

Jess rolled her eyes at her latest hand, read to give up. Her cards had sucked all night, and she wasn't doing much better than when they started, even considering that she switched from mai tais to water an hour ago.

But, despite a nightful of mental arguments, she couldn't keep her eyes off Nick. And she noted with some satisfaction that, although there was no physical contact between them all night, Nick couldn't keep his eyes from landing on her, over and over again, and lingering. Jess felt herself responding with grins and smiles that felt way too personal for _just friends._

But as the drinks began to flow, she found herself caring less and less about the "policy" and more about just being with Nick and with the guys. She missed not living in the loft and that night had seemed like the old days, Winston losing every hand and Schmidt getting so competitive that he actually stomped off to the bathroom and didn't come back for twenty minutes after a hand that didn't go his way.

CeCe was magnificent, keeping the conversation light and free from spoilers about Nick and Jess' past, anything that might cause Nick suspicion or confusion. But Nick was too inebriated and having too much fun to notice the occasional slip up.

Nick slapped his cards down on the table, "Uno, bitches!"

Jess burst out laughing, "Um, what now? This is poker, dude."

Nick looked at her from across the table, shooting her a mock glare, "I am fully aware of that, Jessica. That was merely an expression of triumph. You want I should put a fiver in Schmidt's douchebag jar? I'll do it, you know!"

Jess couldn't wipe the smile off her face as they continued playing, shooting each other looks and bantering back and forth for the rest of the night.

Around three thirty everyone had had enough for the night. Schmidt took responsibility for calling cabs since nobody was in any position to drive home.

Schmidt was actually a pretty fun guy when he'd had a few. He pushed _End_ on his cell and tossed back the last of his final melon ball shot before hollering out into the emptied bar, "Hey guys, Nick's birthday is coming up, how bout we have a party on the roof? Jess and CeCe can come over, we'll have some drinks and stargaze with Winston's telescope. It'll be beautiful!"

Winston drunkenly interjected, "Hey Jessica, remember your birthday at the movie theater? What kind of cake did we end up baking for you, I forget. Pineapple?"

Nick sobered, his foggy brain latching onto the anomaly, "Wait. Jess' birthday? What do ya mean Winnie? How were you at Jess' birthday party."

Winston's eyes widened, realizing his mistake, "What? What do you...did I say Jess' birthday? Hmm, yeah I guess I did. Well, yeah...I didn't actually know Jess. She was, uh..Bertie's friend. Yeah..and I was at the party. Bertie made her an awesome pineapple upside down fluff cake-thing. I think...well, anyways, Nick, we never actually talked before. I just, you know, knew OF her. From Bertie. Who was my girlfriend, or casual hookup...at that time. So, yeah. Nothing weird about that. No. thing. weird. At all."

Nick paused, his brain trying to compute, then grinned at Jess, "Wow Jessica! Pretty cool that you knew one of my friends, even if it was the friend of a friend."

Jess giggled nervously, "Right? Totally." She swayed on her feet, the alcohol making her insanely sleepy, especially now that they were well into the wee hours.

CeCe slid in front of Jess, taking her arm and guiding her toward the doorway, "Yep, small world huh, well the cabs are here I think. Let's go Jess." She spoke quickly, walking her rapidly out into the lobby.

Jess held back a moment, "Wait, I gotta get my purse. Go on, I'll be there in a minute."  
CeCe looked at her warily before disappearing outside, Schmidt and Winston right behind her.

Jess turned and swayed a little too far to the left, losing her balance. Nick's strong arm grabbed her around the waist, steadying her, "Whoa! You okay Jessica?"

Jess smiled at his continual use of _Jessica_ , and looked up into his eyes, amazed at how deep and brown they were at close range. She caught her breath, shallowing inhaling and exhaling before answering, "Yeah...I'm good." She let him lead her back in to get her bag, then back out to the main doors, keeping her wrist in his grasp.

He spoke softly into her ear, "Tonight was fun, huh? The guys really like you a lot and CeCe seems pretty cool too. Feels like...I dont know. Like we've all been friends for a long time."

Jess looked down, avoiding his eyes, worried that he would see the truth in hers until she felt him graze her chin with his index finger, lifting her face back up again. He boldly stared straight into her eyes, and seemed to be measuring her, "Yeah, you're still a little drunk...but better after all the water."

The spark between them sprang to life as his eyes roam her face freely. Drawn in by a familiar intensity, she was powerless to look away, giving him silent permission to dive into her dulled blues and by extension, her soul.

And just like that it was like he knew, like he saw right through to the Jess that he used to know. The one made him breakfast in bed every day for the first week she moved into the loft. The one who sang every detail of her morning routine, loudly. The one who looked after him on a beach when he was afraid he might have cancer. The one who stood by his side as he told his father goodbye for the last time.

Nick remained in the dark, but was fully drawn into the deep, strange moment they now shared. He whispered into the air between them, "I'm glad you came tonight Jess."

CeCe hollered in through the open door, "Jess! Come on!"

Jess dropped her gaze, closing her eyes against the strong sensations running through her body, the deep ache in her heart. She let Nick delivered her to the passenger side of the cab, and he guided her in and closed the door, leaning down on the window. "Thanks for coming, guys. I'll see you at the loft tomorrow night?" He zeroed in on Jess, appearing almost desperate for her answer.

Jess nodded, his proximity making her feel much drunker than she was. "Bye, Nicholas."

Jess stayed silent a several minutes as they drove down the street, the spell breaking in his absence, "Don't say it Ceece."

"Say what, I wasn't saying anything."

"I know what I'm doing."

"Falling back in love with Nick?"

"N-..." Jess leaned her head back against the seat, answering softly, breathlessly, "...yes."

~N/J~

Jess stepped into her red dress, turning so that CeCe could zip her up. "Jess, are you sure this is a good idea?"

Jess sighed at the reiterated discussion, "CeCe. I know, you're just worried about me, but I'm fine, really. I know the best thing for Nick is to keep things strictly platonic between us. Are there feelings between us, the desire for more? Yes. But I...just won't let it get to that."

CeCe raised her eyebrows at Jess, and grabbed her handbag as they headed out the door to Nick's party. "Jess, honey, I could shoot your plan full of holes in less than a minute. But I won't. I do want you to be happy. I just think you're treading dangerous water here."

Jess took a deep breath before answering, "CeCe, stop. I'm not overanalyzing it okay? I can't. The minute I start doing that, this whole thing crumbles."

Despite how complicated it seemed, spending time with Nick had renewed her, revived her, from the pain and despair that had threatened to drown her before. The situation that brought them here was about as odd as they come, all sci fi and twilight zone and..the Matrix? Nick and the guys tried to get her into that movie last week and she didn't quite get the whole blue pill/red pill thing. So maybe this wasn't the Matrix, but it was equally as confusing.

She tried not to focus on that part, tried to focus on the _I get to see Nick again_ part. She was determined to make sure the guys were around when they were together from now on. Safety in numbers and all that. It seemed to be working last night, at least until their little moment at the bar in the lobby. Her mind pushed aside the longing she felt radiating from Nick everytime they were in a room together, and especially the closer they were physically. But she had made up her mind. She needed Nick in her life, however she could get him. And if friends was all they were going to be, she had to make herself okay with that.

~N/J~

Jess and CeCe climbed the last set of stairs to the roof access door.

 _Not thinking, not thinking, not thinking_. It had become a mantra lately, anytime she had to see Nick, standing there in front of her, happy to see her and clearly wanting more. The vibage became more problematic everytime they saw each other.

Jess caught Nick's eye right away. He stood behind the makeshift bar they had set up mixing a drink. Jess took a deep breath and dove in, "Hey! Happy birthday! They got you working at your own birthday party, Miller?"

Nick laughed, "Not exactly. Well..yeah, kind of. Not sure how that happened. Schmidt asked me to make him a dark and stormy, then Winston wanted 'something magnificent and fruity', and...I've been here ever since."

Jess giggled to herself, pushing back memories of Winston at Schmidt's _Branding Event_ getting weird to _Groove is in the Heart_ after several of those fruity beverages. "Well, I'm easy, I just want a pink wine." Jess moved behind the bar next to Nick, grabbing a chilled Rose from the ice chest and pouring herself a glass. She realized her mistake right away when her side bumped into Nick's. She turned abruptly and spilled wine all over his white henley. Nick grabbed her waist to steady her.

Jess shrieked, not sure if it was from the closeness, or the fact that Nick's white shirt was now soaked and pale pink. "Crap in a hat! Nick, I am so sorry." She picked up a towel and started dabbing his chest quickly, then made the mistake of looking up into his eyes, a rich, translucent brown when the light from the setting sun hit them.

Nick laughed at her nerdy exclamation, then paused, taking her entire form in, "It's okay, Jess." He put his hands on hers, taking the towel. She dropped her hands rapidly and backed away a little.

He watched her move away, and she detected a note of sadness in his voice, "I'm just gonna..I'm gonna go change."

CeCe took over at the bar, making Jess a cherry vodka soda. Jess sipped it slowly, watching Schmidt and Winston's friends file in and make a bee line for CeCe, the combination of boobs and alcohol drawing them like a tractor beam. Thirty minutes later, when Nick hadn't come back yet, Jess decided to go visit the ladies room. Or _the communal bathroom with a stall and urinals,_ whatever, she had to pee...and find out where Nick was.

The loft was empty, except for Nick, leaning back on the couch in a fresh black t shirt, beer in hand, watching ESPN. Her stomach tightened and she forced out a false bravado, "Hey, man! Watcha watchin?"

Nick looked up, surprised to see her, "Hey Jess. Just stopped to catch a little of the game. Truth be told, I'd rather be here than upstairs with all of Schmidt's douchy friends. Wanna watch?"

Jess sat, trying to squelch the nervous energy that was rising already. Nick picked up another beer from the coffee table and offered it to her. She took it, swallowing several mouthfuls, trying not to freak out that they were now alone in a darkened, shadowy loft. The atmosphere was charged instantly with that nameless energy, and Jess tried to think of something quippy to say, some mindless small talk to fill the empty air, but surprisingly, her mind was blank for once.

The sun had set, the soft glow of the tv casting minimal light in the room, making it feel even more intimate. Jess heard Nick draw in a breath, about to speak, then exhale it slowly, and they both just sat there silently, like two idiots until Nick set his beer down and turned to her, "Jess." He said her name, like there was more, more he wanted to say, but the words didn't come.

His eyes met hers and locked in, his labored breathing sounding even louder in the quieted room. The mood shifted again and she could see what was happening but she didn't stop it, didn't want to stop it. He moved closer, taking her hand, eyes zeroing in on her face, her cheek, her mouth before leaning in and kissing her softly.

She froze, holding her breath as his lips began to roam hers freely. She couldn't help herself, couldn't fight it, opening her mouth and letting his tongue slide in to effortlessly tangle with hers, all wet and warm and wonderful.

She let a whimper escape and felt his arms circling her, pulling her in, pressing her against him. It felt like coming home, and tears stung her eyes as she felt him deepen the kiss, his hands sliding up into her hair. She gripped his waist, holding on tight, scared to let go, and scared not to.

She she should stop it, knew it wasn't right to jump back into this. It wasn't fair to Nick. He had no idea what they'd been through, had no way to really decide, after everything, that what was happening between them now is what he would choose if he knew their history.

In spite of these thoughts barraging her brain, Jess continued to let Nick kiss her, responding with her mouth, with her body, while her mind tried to sort through the endless stream of warnings. Their historically hot physical connection was most definitely reignited, and she coudn't stop herself from responding to his touch. It had been so long, so very long. She shivered as his hands drifted down over her hips, his fingers grazing the bare skin of her thighs.

She tried not to think, tried to focus on the amazing feelings his hands on her body were evoking, but despite this her mind began a playback of their past and everything she had put Nick through. The pain of their breakup, and the loss of the man she loved and more importantly, her best friend. Her stomach clenched and she pulled away, wrenching her body away from his. Nick looked up at her, startled, as she backed towards the door. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she let out a loud sob.

"Jess, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...I'm sorry." He stood, reaching for her, then snatched his hands back to himself, alarmed at the fear he saw in her eyes.

"Uh, I'm sorry Nick..I have to go, I...just..." and she took off, out the door, down four flights of stairs and into the cool LA night.


	8. Chapter 8

**Wow, I'm wrapping up another story? This one was such a blast to write. THANKS to everyone who's followed/reviewed/commented. I'll be posting the Epilogue sometime this week :)**

 _Please Jess. I just wanna know you're okay._

Nick pressed _Send_ on his eighth text message to Jess in the last eighteen hours and set his phone on the table front of him. He picked up his third cup of coffee and sipped it, staring at the screen, willing it to light up with a response, any response. _Hey Nick, you suck, I hate you._ Anything would be preferable to the torturous silence he'd been getting since she'd given him the best four minutes of his life the night before.

He didn't sleep all night, his mind running over and over the way her body felt in his arms, the feel of her lips on his. Ever since he met Jess, he had felt an instant connection to her. It was like nostagia, or deja vu, based on...what? He didn't know. Like waking up from a dream that you couldn't quite remember, but the emotions still lingering for the entire day afterward.

And now that he'd tasted her, held her, that sensation only grew stronger, it's hold on him going deeper than anything he'd ever experienced. His past obesssion with Caroline was laughable compared to what he felt for Jess. The minute she showed up at the bar, the urge to be near her, to take care of her was instantaneous.

They had become so close, so quickly, and the strange part was how strange it wasn't. It just felt like that's how it was supposed to be. Being with Jess, listening to her prattle on about high waisted shorts and the new dress code for middle school students. And how was it he wasn't ready to jump out a window at her constant frustration that she could never get her bangs to lay across her forehead the way she wanted them to?

I mean, seriously! Any other girl and he'd be climbing the walls to get away from conversations like that. But with Jess, he found himself actually listening, and even giving his input. _Hell yeah, high waisted shorts and tights were cool with him! And yes, definitely use that flat iron on your bangs, it makes them much smoother._

He really cared about this stuff now. But honestly, he just really cared about her. And not only did he want to be with her, but he felt, deep in his gut, he needed her.

Nick snatched up his phone and hit her number, listening as it rang several times before going to voicemail. He hit End without leaving a message, throwing his head down onto the table a litte to hard, crying out.

Schmidt came in and poured the rest of the coffee into his _Bitches Be Loco_ mug, "Nick, what is with you? Did you lose your lucky sunglasses again?"

Nick raised his head, the despair in his eyes alarming, "No Schmidt. This is not about sunglasses. It's Jess. Last night we...we kissed okay?"

Schmidt choked into his mug, spewing java all over his fresh white button down, "You what!"

"Last night, here in the loft. We talked for a few minutes and then, I don't know. She just looked so beautiful, and we were alone and then it was just..happening. And it was the most natural thing in the world, Schmidt. I kissed her, and she kissed me back. Like _really_ kissed me back, and...it was amazing. And then suddenly she freaked out and ran out in tears, and now she won't answer me."

Schmidt sighed heavily, speaking sternly, "Do you have any idea the ramifications of your momentary laspe in judgement?"

Nick ignored him, "I don't know what I did. Did I misread things? I don't know what to do now, Schmidt. I think..."

Schmidt spoke quietly, his manner increasingly resigned, "You think what, Nick?"

"I think I love her."

~N/J~

Jess felt her phone buzz again in the pocket of her dress as she plodded aimlessly down a tree lined pathway in Griffith Park. She ignored it again. She had spent most of the day there, trying to avoid everything that had become complicated in her life.

For one, CeCe, who she knew was just trying to help but had become a part of this...thing. She didn't know what to call it. What do you call a series of gut wrenching events that culminate into something bizarrely sci-fi and surreal? _Thing_ , that's what her brain was going with for now.

As she walked, her eyes fell on a set of benches a little further down. As she drew closer she recognized the gentle Korean man who Nick had dubbed his "magical best friend."

Jess stopped walking when she reached Tran and, giving a small wave, sat down beside him. She sighed heavily, leaning against the hard wooden back and stayed silent for several minutes.

Finally, she blurted out what she knew he'd be dragging out of her anyway, "I love him! Okay? I love him, is that what you wanted to hear?" Tran smiled calmly, his expression giving neither license nor censure to her sudden outburst.

Jess threw her head in her hands and groaned, "I thought I could handle it, I thought we could both handle it. Just go back to what we were before. Friends, boyfriend without the rewards, roomfriends, whatever that was but..."

She looked up into his face, unable to hide her anguish from him, "He's falling back in love with me, Tran. And I can't do that to him, I can't let him fall down inside something that is clearly going to just consume us both until we're right back where we were before the break up."

Tran looked at her, thoughful, but silent as usual. Jess put her hand on his, "I know, you're right. Love is what life is all about. You're so wise, Tran. But this time maybe love means...letting go."

She looked into his small, insightful eyes for confirmation, but didn't get any. "I have to, Tran. For Nick. I have to let go." Her heart squeezed inside her chest, violently protesting every word she just said.

Jess leaned over and kissed his cheek, "Thanks for listening. I have to go."

~N/J~

As afternoon wound into evening, Nick laid face down on the loft couch, pounding his head into the cushions again and again. Winston slammed the front door and just stopped, watching his friend's repeated assault on himself before sitting down next to him.

Nick finally stopped, pressing his face further into the leather, groaning out his frustration.  
"She won't answer me, Winston, won't text me back, won't answer my calls."

He sat up and scrubbed his hands up and down his face before falling back into the couch in defeat, "I love her. I'm in love with her, man. I mean, yeah, usually in a relationship...I screw up. You know that. I do...something...and ruin things. And I know exactly what that something is, but this time, Winnie...I have no clue."

Winston squirmed, trying to think _WWCS...what would CeCe say?_ He and Schmidt were terrible at this, trying to navigate the minefield of Nick's mind without setting off any confusing bombs of the past. Schmidt came out of his room and seeing Nick there, spun around and attempted a hasty retreat back inside.

 _Oh HELL no!_ "Hey Schmidt! Schmidty! _SO GLAD_ you are here. Come on over and help your old pal Nick. We're his best friends, man, and he needs _OUR_ help!"

Schmidt reluctantly plopped down on the end beside Nick, glaring at Winston. "Um, yeah. Sure. Let's do that. Uh...Nick. Yeah, so...Jess. Um...ouch? That's rough, right? Totally, I get it, man."

Nick swiveled toward him unexpectedly and grabbed him by both arms, "Schmidt, listen to me. i know you guys don't think I'm the smartest dude in school, but I know when something's up. You guys have been acting crazy weird for the last several weeks, literally anytime Jess is around or brought up. Why? I'm begging here, I need to know what's going on so I can fix this. I love her...and I think...I think she loves me too. There has never been anyone who makes me feel like she does. When she's around things are just...better. _I'M_ better. You know my life philosophy, _Life Sucks!_ Well with her...life _doesn't_...anymore. I've been fucking around my whole life, aimless, not knowing where I'm going, what I'm doing, what I want. Well, I figured it all out guys, and it's her. I want _HER_."

Schmidt sighed. Winston looked at him and shrugged, then nodded in silent agreement. "Okay, Nick. We're going to tell you everything okay?" He motioned toward the kitchen and Winston shot up, grabbing a beer from the fridge and ran it back to Nick, thrusting it in his hand. Schmidt carefully began to cover Nick's legs with a Chicago Bulls throw as he spoke, "Now I know this is going to sound, well, freaky, but just try not to react until we're done talking alright."

Nick nodded, a terrified look on his tense face.

Schmidt closed his eyes and muttered a prayer of protection from CeCe when she found out they had gone rogue.

~N/J~

Jess sat on the patio of CeCe's apartment, watching the sun dip in sky. She had always loved LA sunsets, but couldn't bring herself to enjoy this one. She stared into the distance, unaware that someone had been standing in the doorway, watching her. Suddenly she jumped, her now cold tea sloshing out of her mug as Nick wordlesslly sat down across from her.

Jess sat her tea down on the wicker table and wrung her hands in her lap, knowing what she had to do, what she had to say to him, but just not able to find the words. Nick just watched her, a small smile playing across his lips.

"Jess, I know."

Her eyes snapped up to him, wide and confused, "What...what do you mean?"

"I know about Lacuna. Schmidt told me. You and me, we were a thing. We broke up. I guess I couldn't handle it. Crazy older dude and his tech crew...zapped my brain."

Jess got up and stood at the railing, unable to face him. Tears coursed down her cheeks and her shoulders shook with sobs. Nick was suddenly right behind her, his arms moving around her, his head buried in her neck. Jess turned in his arms and clung to him, and he let her cry, tears stinging his own eyes at what he had put her through. "I'm sorry, Jess. I'm so sorry. I must have been out of my mind to do something like that to you."

Jess mumbled into his shoulder, "No Nick, it was me. It was all my fault. You never would have done it if I hadn't messed everything up like I did."

He pulled back and took her face in his hands, wiping her tears with his thumbs. "None of it matters now. I love you, Jess. I want to be with you."

Jess put her hands on his wrists, holding on firmly, "Nick how can you say that? You don't know, okay? You have no idea the pain and misery that I caused you."

Nick smiled and leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss on her lips, ""I don't care, Jess. I don't care what happened between us before, or what happened after. I'm in love with you. And now I know why I felt the way I did the first time I saw you at the bar. Like we were...connected somehow. I had never fell so hard, so fast for anyone. Because my heart, it already knew that I loved you. It was just waiting for my brain to catch up."

Jess buried her head in his chest, breathing the Nick scent that always calmed her. "But Nick, everything we had together is just...gone now. You don't know any of it, the good or the bad. So how can you know if this is what you'd really want?"

Nick whispered between them, interrupting her doubts, "Do you love me, Jess?"

She looked up into his eyes, unable to hide the truth from him, "Yes."

"Then I don't care if it's hard, Jess. I want you. Whatever happened before is in the past. I'll do anything Jess, anything to make things work. We can start over. We can make new memories."

Jess threw herself into his embrace, almost bursting with relief and joy and a hundred other emotions. "I do love you Nick. I want you too."

Nick wrapped his arms around her body, picking her up off the ground and kissing her amorously. His mouth stayed fused to hers as he moved them back into the apartment and brought her down to the couch with him.

Jess reached up and touched his cheek and he turned his head into her hand, kissing her palm. Nick lowered his eyes to her dress, red and white, thin straps covering the smooth white skin of her shoulders. His desire for her was messing with his mind and he stammered, trying to break the tension, "Uh...nice dress, you, ah...you look good in it."

Jess laughed softly, letting him keep her hand in his, "Actually, this is the dress I wore the first day we met. The day I moved into the loft."

"Really?" Nick's eyes lit up and he grinned at her, ready to hear her go on for days about loft shenanigans and True American hallway kisses. "So...you wanna tell me about it?"


	9. Chapter 9

Nick stood at the end of the aisle, black tuxedo, cropped hair, trimmed beard.

Waiting for her.

He wasn't nervous. Not like six months ago, when he sat across from her at their lucky table at _Beso_. Not like when he dropped the ring and was on his hands and knees for five minutes, sweating and swearing, looking for it. And then for another full sixty seconds when Jess just stared at the ring and cried before giving him her answer.

And now here she was, a vision of white lace and long dark hair moving toward him. As she drew closer, his dark brown eyes locked into her vivid blues and a memory flitted across his brain.

It was Jess. In the desert. Those same blues shining bright in the darkness surrounding them, and she said something he had never heard from anyone ever before. _Because I met you._

Nick's entire body pulsed with something he had never felt before, and suddenly it happened.

He remembered. Everything. He remembered _everything_.

Jess bursting into his room and catching him dancing naked to _Yellowman_. Jess crying, then laughing with him as they sat on the hood of her car after she lost a teaching job. Jess in his arms, trembling as she returned his passionate first kiss. Jess, lying beneath him in her bed after a crazy night at a rock star's house, telling him again and again how much she really loved him.

His smile grew wider as she finally reached him and he was able to take her hand, touch her, feel her. He leaned close and kissed her lips, lingering for several seconds, not caring at all that the kiss was supposed to come later. As he pulled away he whispered to her, "I remember, Jess. And...I'm all in."

Her eyes sparked at the shared memory of an Indian non-wedding and evil badgers and a midnight road trip to Mexico. She broke into a spontaneous laugh and kissed him right back. And in that moment, something amazing sprung to life between them. Something old and something new. The memories he had borrowed from her became his own memories again.

And now they were about to create brand new memories, together, as husband and wife.

Nick squeezed Jess' hand tight, ready for everything that came next. Ready for forever.

Tran sat near the back of the church, light from a nearby window casting a glow around him. He clasped his hands together calmy and smiled, slipping out the back door and into the late afternoon haze. His work here was done.


End file.
